Vayeshev - Bringing out our best without peril
Genesis 37:1 - 40:23 | Amos 2:6 - 3:8
Summary: Sometimes we need to be pushed in order to figure out what we’re capable of. But we need to develop ways to bring out our best without being pushed so hard. What can we do to cultivate spaces in our homes and places of work that are likely to evoke the best in people?
***
Of all the questionable moves, Ya’akov’s decision to send Yoseph out to see how his brothers are doing stands out. Ya’akov must know that, at this point in the story, there is deep and abiding animosity between Yoseph and his brothers - after all, Ya’akov has seen it with his own eyes and even added to it by giving Yoseph a special garment. And then he sends Yoseph out to “see to the peace” of his brothers?
It must be that Ya’akov assumed his family could take it. He must have believed that Yoseph’s brothers wouldn’t actually kill him. Maybe he had some sufficient amount of faith that they could - and would - work it out. Again, the evidence we have points toward the opposite conclusion - the brothers’ unwillingness to even speak to Yoseph, their violent outburst in Shechem, for example, indicate that they hate him and they are willing to kill people they hate.
It turns out Ya’akov was right - the brothers didn’t kill Yoseph. They only threw him in a pit and then sold him into slavery (buying shoes with the proceeds!), only pretending he was dead. In this sense, Ya’akov’s hypothesis was accurate - their family could withstand this amount of stress and confrontation. Not only that, early intimations of leadership emerged from Yehudah and Reuvain, and Yoseph was forced to find strengths he might never have otherwise developed. All said, success!
Personally, unlike Ya’akov, I’m not one for intentionally subjecting my cherished relationships to stress tests. In fact, when I can make conscious decisions around such things, I probably err in the opposite direction, avoiding confrontation and making effort to ease tensions when it seems that tension is rising. But there is a downside to such an approach: it may allow those relationships to give less than what they fully have. There is so much goodness, some much potential, so much nourishment and support that remains un-accessed when we don’t allow our relationships and endeavors to approach their edges.
Not only that, but the approach of not allowing tense dynamics to play out pushes important needs and feelings back down into the shadows, from which they will certainly emerge, and more explosively, with less articulation and less subtlety.
But it’s understandable that we’d harbor some reluctance about pushing our relationships toward the edge. We likely carry some unease because we don’t know - which relationships will expand, when pushed, and which ones will snap? When can we bring our full selves - complete with as-yet-unmet needs and possibly legitimate complaints and likely-unreasonable expectations - and when can’t we? Who and what can handle it and won’t simply leave? And, while we’re at it, can I handle it? Do I tell people, one way or another, not to expect too much from me, not to push me or stretch me?
**
Why is do us humans tend to bring out that untapped, un-accessed capacity, that hidden brilliance, primarily when we are pushed? From Avraham being told to make his son into an offering all the way to Deadpool, we find example upon example of people who could not or would not, or at least did not, shine until they absolutely had to, until their or someone’s lives depended on it, until the world needed saving, until they literally could not take it anymore, until the absolute redline deadline approached?
Hanukkah is a story of being pushed. The Jews accept the Torah because they are pushed. Yehuda saves Binyamin because he us pushed. Purim. It’s everywhere. Throughout our personal and national histories, heroes fall asleep and stay asleep until they absolutely must wake up.
It is important that we find and create ways to offer and evoke that goodness and that potential without such dangerous tests. It is essential that we invite each other to expand the expression of our capacities rather than back ourselves and each other up against the wall. We cannot afford to wait until we have to act in order to act. The world shouldn’t have to wait for our brilliance, for our relationships to shine, for tikkunim (rectifications) to happen until they literally MUST happen or else the world will fall apart.
We must continue to find ways to interact, to work things out, to have hard conversations, to open further without needing cataclysm, deadlines and threats, without having to feel we have no other choice.
What does it take to build relationships, scenarios, environments, and opportunities for brilliance, for exploring the edges within the safety of love and support? What could Ya’akov have done that would have allowed Yehuda and Reuvain and Yoseph to shine without this near-death experience? What can we do to cultivate spaces in our homes and places of work that are likely to evoke the best in people?