Korach - The long breath that gives perspective
Numbers 16:1 - 18:32 | Samuel 11:14 - 12:22
Summary: If we are frustrated, even if our frustration is justifiable, we can practice something called “erech apayim” - the long breath that gives patience and perspective even as we observe that something or someone is not doing a good job
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I’ve started to wonder whether I am too sensitive. My evidence is that I often get genuinely angry and then find myself mumbling about how insensitive John is to the people around him, or how poor a job George is doing running his organization, or how frustrating it is that Ringo doesn’t answer emails in a timely manner.
What makes it worse is that I am usually right. John really is insensitive, and George is doing a pretty bad job running his organization, and Ringo really should answer emails in a more timely manner. And, yes, Paul should be way more honest and direct with their feedback.
But knowing I’m probably right doesn’t make me less frustrated. In fact it makes me more frustrated! If I suspected that it was me, and that my standards are actually unfair, or it was really just a matter of taste (and I’m usually pretty good at sniffing that stuff out), then I could do the work I need to do on myself, see things from other perspectives, and find a way to grow past the frustration. That won’t work when it is pretty clear to me that this is not about broadening my horizons or recognizing my bias.
At such moments, it feels like the only (or best?) choice is to express that anger and frustration, but I know that is not true. Our tradition is quite critical of expressing anger, even comparing it to idolatry. Knowing it’s bad to express anger doesn’t make it go away, though. I would need some other vantage-point that would allow me to see a bigger picture in which anger becomes less of an option.
I have found a tool in our wondrous tradition that helps me address these frustrations: it’s called erech apayim. The words literally mean ‘long-faced’ or, even more literally, ‘long-nosed.’ It pushes against one of the many colorful Hebrew words (and I am sure there are even more colorful words in Yiddish!) that describe anger, which is haron af, a word that connotes flaring nostrils or ‘raging nose.’
Erech apayim is a powerful combination of patience and compassion. It is often compared to the difference between how your parents would react if you did something dumb - ‘how could you!?’ - and how your grandparents would react - ‘so!? Nu?! Things happen. Let me tell you a story about when I was young…’
To practice erech apayim is, first and foremost, an act of memory. As anger clouds the mind and makes immediate expressions of rage and frustration seem imperative, we remember that there is a bigger picture. It is also practiced through breath - literally lengthening the breath, which buys us enough time to consider that bigger picture and also calms the nervous system in order to think more clearly.
We learn about erech apayim from none other than the Creator Herself. After the Jews made the gold cow and worshiped it, it would have been quite justified for God’s nostrils to flare in anger against the nation. In fact, God tells Moshe, “Now, leave Me be and My nostrils will flare against them and I will destroy them, and I will make you into a great nation.” Moshe, as it were, talks God down, with the same words: “Why allow Your nostrils to flare against Your nation?” Soon thereafter, God teaches Moshe the Thirteen Expressions of Mercy, one of which is erech apayim. Our holy books speak about how amazed Moshe was at the extent to which God is willing to ‘lengthen the nose.’
When we are pushed toward haron af - toward rage, toward expressing our anger, toward allowing our nostrils to flare within our raging nose - we may practice erech apayim, the long nose, the deep breath, the longer view, acceptance-despite. At such a moment, we do not ignore the dropped emails and neglected responsibilities. But we remind ourselves of the bigger picture - whatever picture is big enough to cool that raging nose.
Erech apayim is used, or invoked, or called-for, when the other person really is in the wrong, has dropped the ball, has shown consistent insensitivity, has repeatedly shirked responsibility, has actually made things worse through inaction, negligence, oblivion, spite, or malice. At such times, though haron af might be justified and tempting, we actually do have another choice, which is erech apayim.
It is important to note that erech apayim does not mean forgiveness. The Jewish people did, in fact, face serious consequences in the aftermath of the gold cow. But it did not come in rage. God’s response was, so to speak, a measured one. It came after the long breath that Moshe brought to the situation.
And it could be that there are some times when erech apayim is not the right response. Sometimes are in the fray and what’s needed is a quick, clear and forceful response that establishes definitive boundaries, protects the weak, rejects injustice, and clarifies what is right and what is wrong.
As I think about John and George, Paul and Ringo, I am still genuinely frustrated by what they are doing, and I may well choose not to be involved in their respective organizations and spheres on influence, but I would be doing so from a place of calm, of best wishes for them to figure it out, of a sense of the long view, of an ability to also see what makes them wonderful people.