Beshalach - The small residue was actually the point
Exodus 13:17 - 17:16 | Judges 4:4 - 5:31
Summary: It is quite tempting to assume that Big Things should be happening, but it is much more accurate to realize that the tiny bit of change that happened was actually all that was possible at the time.
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In the mystical telling of our creation myth, the Endless One Who filled all space made space within Itself in which to create a world. This space was to be empty, or empty enough, for its inhabitants to be free.
The Endless One wished to be in relationship with the inhabitants of this free world, but in a controlled and specific way. So the Endless One created access points that would serve as a place of contact and meeting between the Endless One and those inhabitants. With those access points in place, the Endless One released some of Its light into those access points, at which point most of them exploded. The light, as dimmed as it was compared to its source in the Endless, was still overwhelming. It is further explained that, had they formed a sort of circuit, they could have held the light, but each of these access points thought it could hold all the light, and therefore it ultimately held none.
As a result of this explosion, shards rained down into that empty space. Despite the seeming failure, though, the light that broke them was not lost. Some of the light adhered to the broken pieces of those access points.
It is not a simple myth, but it resonates, particularly the image of a flooding of light that shatters but leaves a residue, an impression. It corresponds with the many instances in which we open to an experience and it is everything we think we want and need, and we feel fulfilled and purposeful, met and loved, satisfied and alive - and then it leaves. All that remains, after all that, is an impression, a residue.
It also corresponds to the many instances in which we, like the Endless One, try to give of ourselves in a positive, loving, careful and useful way, and it does not seem to work. Perhaps in a role as teacher, or parent or writer or partner, we try to give our light as best we can, and yet, something breaks. But all is not lost - there is something left, some residue. Some light adheres. Something stuck. Yes, it was not nearly as much as I gave, and I’d hoped that everything I gave would stick, but something is left. I gave one hundred units of Gavriel and two were successfully received. And that is a success.
Somehow, in such a circumstance, a giver must somehow respect and appreciate the amount of light that remained. It is this ability to appreciate that residue that defines love and relationship. If I can resist the tendency to either judge myself for giving wrong or judge the recipient for not having the capacity to receive, I can be glad that there is a connection at all, and I can also learn about how the receiver receives, so that next time I can give better, and maybe four units of Gavriel will remain.
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This must have been the guiding principle of God’s relationship with the Jewish people in the wilderness. Soon after the splitting of the Red Sea - a blast of light - the people were complaining. It seemed they were complaining for lack of water, but it was actually because the light they had seen was now gone.
A disappointed parent or teacher or leader would only see how much light was “wasted” because it wasn’t absorbed, and might point a finger at their own deficiencies or those of the recipients. A disappointed recipient of that light would likely see their own failures and frustrations, and might point in one of those two directions.
The mistake is to see such moments through the story that a great gift has been given to us and then taken away, and we have missed a chance at it being received and held forever. We might feel personally responsible for having let it drop. We might wonder if the giver was cruel in offering us something so wonderful only to take it away a moment later.
Meanwhile, something has remained in the hands of the receiver, even after the gift is gone - the residue, the impression. Seen from a proper perspective, we could conclude that what was taken away was the part that could not remain. What was left with us - that is the amount that we could hold onto, and we should cherish it.
The wisest among us stop looking for or expecting Big Things. Probably they tried to do Big Things and were disappointed, and then repeated the cycle enough times until eventually they came to terms with what is actually possible. They didn’t take this as a disappointment, because they realize that they were never expected or intended to hold on to the Big Thing. The bit that was left was the actual point, intended from the outset. They are proud and humbled to have been given the opportunity to hold such a precious light in their hands, as small a quantity as it is. It is the same light.
The wisest among us cherish every chance they get to interact with - and perhaps even to serve - the small amount of light that is left. They learn to work with their light, to focus it, to give it out in ways that are sustainable to them and supportive to those who receive it. That first “blast” was just a test of sorts, getting a sense of the capacities of the receiver, the assumptions of the giver, the relationship between them. They modify their giving. Hopefully the receiver feels respected and seen - not being seen constantly as a disappointment - and they learn to participate in the process more consciously, communicating what they know about their own power to receive.
It is possible that each iteration of this process should increase the holding of the light is 2.04 percent. That follows the framework of the 49 days between leaving Egypt and receiving the Torah. If, on the first day, God emits a powerful beam of light and the Israelites are able to receive one unit of light, then, the next day they would have to be able to receive 2.04% more of the light if they are going to be able to receive the light in full 49 days later. This might give a humble guideline for how much change we are hoping for over time. We cannot and should not expect immediate and full transformation. 2.04% seems reasonable.