Personal and communal inner work
Summary: Sometimes we feel frustrated (and maybe even ashamed) when our personal flaws and lackings are exposed. But these are actually moments when we are given insight into something that many people - and maybe even the Divine Presence - are also lacking.
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I am still reeling from a well-timed bit of feedback I got a few weeks back. Having just launched my new book, I immediately took to my listservs to spread the good news and to provide links so people could get their hands on this obviously-extremely-desirable book. I was surprised, then dismayed, then forlorn, then devastated that on a list with hundreds of rabbis, educators and community leaders, I got one or two “mazel tovs” and that was basically it.
I reached out to the person who runs the list, expressing my dismay. He came back with a gently delivered and deeply penetrating response: well, have you been “mazel tov!”ing other people on that list? Have you been expressing condolences for people on that list who have experienced loss? Have you been letting people know that you see the effort they’ve put into a new program? Obviously, the answer was “no” to all of these. Point taken.
Some time later, I was seeking advice from a friend about a certain relationship in which I feel I really need more of x ingredient, and I don’t know how to get it, and it is affecting me negatively. (Lest that sound juvenile, I am a pretty self-aware human. I think I am at least approximately tuned into the give-and-take of relationships, and I am more than ready to hear and know that the work here is mine and not the other person’s. I will be happy to spend some time considering whether I really actually need more x, or should be seeking it elsewhere, or providing it for myself. Given all that, I am still pretty sure I at least need some more of x ingredient from this specific person.)
This wise friend, similar to the listserv friend, helped me see that I am not bringing much of x ingredient to that relationship, either. He suggested that I tune into how I cultivate an environment in which ingredient x is flowing more freely and that I focus more on the presence and exchange of ingredient x rather than focusing only on getting more of it for myself.
With these two valuable pieces of feedback, it has been pretty easy to see that the listserv really does need more people to show up and say “mazel tov” and that sounds right. And it is totally reasonable that my home needs way more of ingredient x. But this has been more to me than a simple encounter with my blindspots, with reaping what I sow, and with my own hypocrisies and short-comings. Rather, I’ve been experiencing it as a great honor.
In an elegant and penetrating teaching, Rebbe Nachman tells of how devastating it can be to feel and tune into what we do not have. But, he tells us, your experience that something important is missing from your life is actually the Most High telling you what is missing in the Divine Presence. You are being trusted with that information because you can hold it. It is an honor, says Rebbe Nachman, to be told by the Most High about what is missing in the Divine Presence. And hopefully this will inspire you to bring love and healing when you can.
I want to be clear. This is not: if you feel like people aren’t congratulating you on your thing, that’s the universe rebuking you because you’re too self-centered and haven’t done enough to recognize others’ efforts, so it’s your karma, and you deserve it. Rather: there’s a lot of struggle out there in the world among people who create stuff and feel unseen, and (God says) because I love you and trust you, I’m going to communicate this reality to you by giving you an experience of this very thing so that you can tune into that and hold it with Me.
I believe the very fact that this happens is an indication of how the universe heals itself. By osmosis, the needs of the whole creep into he consciousness of individuals. Their own experiences become access-points (if - and it’s a big if - they can get over the pain and frustration).
This gives me great joy. I am happy that there is a mechanism of self-correction in play, and that we are invited to participate in this story of healing. I am worried that I (and others) cannot always get over my own pain and frustration enough to experience my own self as a locus of healing. But the practice is a simple (though not easy) one: when I notice that I am not getting something that I want, I would need to spend as much time as necessary to turn away from my sense of victimhood and injustice, and receive that experience as an invitation to share in the reality of the Divine Presence, and perhaps also to wonder at how I can support others who are feeling this. The painful experience I’m having is probably ubiquitous, and I have the special honor of having been invited to have sufficient awareness about this painful experience in order to hold it beyond my own pain.